Turd Guide

The Amphibian Turd
This rare turd is so long that half of it is sticking out of the water. The only way to get it to flush is to break it up into small pieces with the nearest stick-like object, usually someone's toothbrush.

The Farty Turd
This shit comes accompanied with numerous farts and squeaks. It usually happens at work with your boss in the next cubical.

The Teflon Turd
This non-stick shit comes out so clean, you don't need any toilet paper.

The Marker Turd
This thick soft turd leaves a trail of skid mark type evidence in the bowl, but it usually only happens around your mother-in-law's house.

The Second-Coming Turd
You know how it is, you've finished, you wipe, you pull up your trousers, then you need to go again.

The Sticky Turd
This shit is so sticky, you use up a whole roll of arse-wipe and then eventually have to use the shower hose to get it clean.

The Garden Turd
There is a queue for the toilet, you're desperate, and it's already half way out. Only one option - dump it in the back yard.

The Phantom Turd
You felt it come out, but when you look down, there's no turd in the pan.

The Sweetcorn Turd
You've been eating plenty of sweetcorn so your turd looks like a brown version of a corn-on-the-cob.

The Peanut Turd
You've been eating lots of peanuts, and you can feel them when you wipe.

The Upper class Turd
It doesn't matter what this guy's eaten, his shit don't stink.

The Red-Eye Turd
This turd is at least twice the size of your areshole. It's so big you have to call a midwife to help with the delivery. Your eyes turn red, you scream in terror as you feel sure this one will rip you in half before it hits the water. When you wipe your arse, along with the poo, there's a whole heap of blood as well.

The Napalm Turd
It sticks and it burns. This merciless killer is fired from high above and destroys a wide area in one hit. In case of contact with skin, rinse immediately with plenty of water and seek medical attention.

The Unconscious Turd
After a night down the pub, you fall drunkenly asleep on a park bench. You wake up in the morning to find a turd in your pants.

The Exploding Head Turd
You strain and you squeeze, you squeeze and you strain, you need a pair of forceps to get it out before your head explodes.

The Fountain Turd
This bog-rocket shoots out your arse like a Scud missile, and sends a high-powered jet of water upwards which instinctively hits you right in the ring-piece.

The Feminist Turd
It doesn't matter how it comes out or what it looks like, it's always a man's fault.

The Floater
Flush after flush, this bugger refuses to die. The only way to get rid of it is to pick it up and toss it out the window.

The Immortal Turd
You walk into a public toilet, there's only one cubical and you come face to face with the previous occupant's floater! What do you do? You can't dump on top of it because you might do a 'fountain' contaminated with other persons turd-wash. So you spend the next 10 minutes trying to flush someone else's turd that wont die.

The Liquid Turd
This is not a turd, it's more of a brown-tinged transparent oily type substance that squirts over your arse-cheeks, the seat, the rim, everywhere except into the water.

The Machine-Gun Turd
This turd is essentially a liquid turd, except for the periodic interruption of the solid lumps shooting out in a rhythmic pattern.

The Coil Turd
A very long and continuous soft turd, about the width of a pencil which coils up at the bottom of the pan. Usually accompanied by a soft whimper from the poor unfortunate donator.

The Surprise Turd
This turd only occurs in places where there are no toilets, and no possible way of cleaning yourself. You think it's just a fart, but then that's the surprise.

The Klingon Turd
This turd clings to your ring-piece no matter how much you shake and jump up and down. Even 'biting' at it with you sphincter muscle won't shake it loose.

The Alien Turd
You look down and say "No way did that come from my arse!". All the evidence is there but you still refuse to believe that you could have dropped such a strange looking turd.

The Two-Part Turd
You shit so much that you have to flush and then carry on shitting.

The Pebble Turd
You strain for hours, but all you can get out is one tiny little pebble sized plop.

The Peek-a-Boo Turd
You get this turd half way out, then it shoots straight back inside.

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